i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
