Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
