he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
