Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
