He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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