I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
