I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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