you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
