Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
