tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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