My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
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you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
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Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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