You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm getting married
To pizza
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
