If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
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The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
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im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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