Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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