I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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