'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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