im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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