If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
