My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
