I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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