The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
