you didnt know i had herpes?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
