It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
