Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i will never coherently bang her
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
