dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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