does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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