You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
