Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
