I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
