Yo dont text me then not text me
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
