Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It was confusing and full of hummus
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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