Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
