using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
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