Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
