I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Randomize
