I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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