I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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