Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Dear god my vagina.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
