wanna go halves on a baby?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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