i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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