I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
