I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
