i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
