Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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