I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
