why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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