Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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