What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
