i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
