My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
