I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
