Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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