Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
After last night, I could never be a politician.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
