HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We had sex on a dog bed..
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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