ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
zippers are such a cool invention
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
