It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
