God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
