My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you would pick up someone in the library
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
