I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
