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What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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