In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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