That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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