my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
