I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
