i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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