Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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